There is nothing easy about sharing the details of sexual abuse with others, even if the person you are sharing with is your most trusted confidant. In my heart I knew I needed to just let the demons out, but I was just so afraid. I tried to to keep the memories and emotions tucked away, hidden in the deepest parts of me where nobody else could see. The silent suffering I was torturing myself with was like a deadly poison that was slowly eating me alive. The only remedy was to let it all out, but still I fought it. All day I was consciously battling the lies of the enemy to keep silent, but at nighttime it was a whole different story.
When I could no longer contain all of the disturbing secrets inside of me, I began having terrible flashbacks. The secrets came seeping out of me little by little when I closed my eyes at night and lost my conscious efforts to keep them in. Instead of sleeping to get rest and regain my strength, I was engaging in the fight of my life. I was re-living what had happened to me and I had no way of stopping it. The only thing worse than enduring the sexual abuse as a child was living through it all over again night after night.
I attempted everything you can think of to avoid the nightly torture. I tried to force myself to stay awake all night and not fall asleep at all. I tried to set an alarm to wake me up every hour so that I would not fall deep enough asleep for the nighttime terror to take over. I tried medicine, listening to music, reading books....you name it I tried it, all to no avail. The worst part was I could not be woken up once the flashback began. My incredible friend who has become a mother to me once again came to the rescue. Night after night she stayed with me and never left my side. She desperately tried to wake me up and rescue me from the terrifying flashbacks, but without success. There was no way around this, I simply had to go through it.
My heart cringes just to think of how frighteningly real the nightmares...the memories were. I could feel him, hear him, smell him. It was like I was 4...7...10 years old again. The difference was this time, I had someone there to help me and protect me. Even though I could not remember my treasured friend/second mother being with me when I finally came out of it, I am comforted to know that she was there. She, unlike my biological mother, never turned a blind eye to my pain. She could have easily jumped ship, but she didn't. Instead, she held me, wiped my tears, sang to me, prayed for me, fought the monster off of me, put me back in bed when I wandered outside in the middle of the winter, put my clothes back on me when my father was done misusing me and I laid there naked and trembling, rinsed out my mouth when I couldn't get rid of the offensive taste left behind, cleaned up my mess when out of pure terror I had an accident and soiled my pajamas, and the list goes on.
Quite honestly, it is difficult to look back at how bad things were. I hit rock bottom in the midst of these flashbacks. Besides being completely humiliated, I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. Every morning I felt like I had been completely violated, yet had to force myself to get up, get dressed, go to work and act like nothing had ever happened. I had mastered this as a child, but now I was barely surviving. I honestly thought God had abandoned me at this point. Thankfully even when I was giving up on Him, He wasn't anywhere close to giving up on me. He was right there with me, and the evidence was right in front of my face. He had sent me a guardian angel to see me through this. She chose to live the torture with me every night...her only payment being complete exhaustion after sleepless nights. She is my hero, and I know now that God was comforting and protecting me through her. I will never be able to thank her enough for allowing God to use her to save me. I love her with all my heart, and I'm so thankful God gave her to me.
I say all this because I want you to know that no matter what you are going through and no matter how defeated you feel, God is with you. When you can't see Him, He's there. When you give up on Him, He's there. When you are angry at Him, He is still there. As horrific as the nightmares were...and still are at times...God used them in my healing process. I wouldn't wish it on anybody and I urge you to somehow find the courage to share the yucky secret parts of you with someone you trust. To find healing, the secrets have to come out one way or another. Rest assured, no matter what journey you must take to find healing, God is going to see you through.
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