In my struggle to verbalize the abuse that had happened to me as a little girl, one of the things my counselor had me do was write a third-person story about one particular experience in the eyes of a child. The title of my story was, "Nightmare in the Woods." I told of how this shy, blonde headed, blue eyed little girl was kidnapped by a scary monster and driven out to the woods. In the story, the little girl's life was changed forever that night as the monster stripped away a piece of her innocence with his own bare hands. The story ended with a foreshadowing of the little girl's future and the realization that this was only the beginning of the things she would have to endure. Anyone who would read this story would agree on one thing, the antagonist in this story was indeed a vicious monster. The problem is the monster had a name.......daddy.
When I think about my father I have very conflicted feelings about him. On one hand he is an evil monster who I hate, but on the other he is my father and I really do care about him. As a little girl I was terrified of my dad but at the same time I longed for his love and approval. There was this inner turmoil within me filled with mixed feelings of love and hate. I desperately wanted the abuse to stop.....but I wanted a daddy too. I can close my eyes and remember him touching me beneath my clothes and forcing me to open my mouth and "help him feel better", but I also remember him being present while playing putt-putt with my brother and shopping with he and my siblings for Christmas presents.
It took me a long time to accept that I would never have the earthly father I so desired. God created us with a longing to be loved by our parents, and it is okay to grieve that loss if it was stolen from you. It also took me a long time to understand that it is okay to remember the pleasant memories I had with my father while at the same time detesting the abusive ones. At first I thought there was something wrong with me that after all my father had done to me I could remember certain times of happiness. It is okay to have enjoyed the healthy parts of our relationship, and I'm actually very grateful that I have these memories because often many victims aren't so fortunate.
I have come to learn that these confusing feelings are actually quite normal. It is possible to care about your abuser and still hold them accountable for their actions. If your abuser was good to you at times, that does not excuse the sin committed against you. As you experience intense feelings of anger, hurt, hatred, confusion, love, and affection toward your abuser, know that this emotional roller coaster does not mean you are doing anything wrong. God sees your pain and confusion, and He will meet you right where you are. He will help you sort through all the mixed emotions and restore to you all that was lost with your earthly relationships.
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