Reflecting on the heinous crimes that had been carried out against me as a child was a very sobering experience. As I began to look the evil surrounding sexual abuse square in the eye, I made a very grave mistake. Like so many others who have walked in similar shoes as mine, I was deceived into believing that somehow the abuse was my fault. Satan was so good at whispering little lies in my ears. These whispers began at a very young age and by the time I became an adult, I completely owned the sin of sexual abuse. Even though I hated every minute of it and desperately wanted it to stop, I thought I must have done something wrong and somehow deserved this. Besides, I never told anyone, so I must have wanted it to happen right? Surely if I hated it so much I would not have just laid there and let him do those things to me right? If I didn't like it, it wouldn't have sometimes felt good right? If I really wanted to stop it I would have screamed out a little louder, closed my legs a little tighter, refused to open my mouth, etc....right?
WRONG!!!!!
Please hear me when I say that this was not my fault... nor is it any child's fault. I did not have the mental or emotional capacity to even understand what was happening to me much less consent to such perverse acts. I was the child and my father was the parent. He was given the responsibility to love and protect me and he failed. Nothing I did or did not do caused this to happen to me...he made the choice to sin all on his own. I didn't tell because I was a child and quite honestly, I didn't even know it was wrong. He was my dad, I trusted him. I just laid there because I was terrified and paralyzed with fear. Even if I would have fought him, he would have still won. It felt good at times because that is a normal and healthy physiological response. God created our bodies to enjoy sexual stimulation. It is not your fault if your body had a healthy physiological reaction to an unhealthy act against you.
Believing the lie that the abuse was your fault will continue to damage an already broken spirit if left untreated. Trust me, I know. I grew up to be a very sad and lonely person, devastated emotionally as an adult....until God's truth intervened. With the support of those who love me and my incredible counselor, I am learning to replace the lies with truth. No matter how much satan continues to berate me and force his lies upon me, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this was not my fault. I refuse to hold myself accountable for my father's sin. Please don't misunderstand me for saying I'm completely innocent...I have made mistakes along the way. Unfortunately, I have plenty of my own faults and sins that I am responsible for...but sexual abuse is not one of them. It is not mine to own and I have given it back to it's rightful owner. No matter how powerful satan's lies are in your life, God's truth is stronger still. We just have to start believing it.
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