My everyday war...

I think I can safely argue that when sin entered this world with the fall of man, insecurity was leading the pack with it's eyes on anyone made of human flesh.  Some of us may have been fortunate enough to escape it's grasp with only a few scrapes and bruises, but most of us were caught in it's trap of constant torture.  I was attacked by the ugly wrath of insecurity as a small child and by the time I reached adulthood the poison had reached toxic levels.  In not so many words, I was sick....and the symptoms were only intensifying.

Being uncomfortable in your own skin is a very sad and lonely place to be.  I learned to accept through the years that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough and no matter how much effort I put in I was ultimately going to in the words of my father, "amount to nothing."  I truly believed that I was a lousy person who could only guarantee one thing...disappointment.  Having low self-esteem would have been a serious upgrade for me.  The constant inner dialogue of self destructive thoughts only led to self loathing.  I learned to habitually reject any compliments I was given and the most frequent words that came from my lips were "I'm sorry," regardless of if it was warranted or not. 

Quite honestly, I'm not sure if there was an area in my life where I was secure.  From my job, to my looks, to my self-worth....I was crippled by insecurity.  I use to purposely go to lunch hours after I knew my co-workers had eaten so that I knew nobody would be in the break room and I didn't have to risk opening up to anyone.  I was terrified of going to any social gathering in fear I would say the wrong thing or look the wrong way.  Don't get me wrong I longed for the fellowship, but I dreaded the rejection.  Even in the presence of those I love and care about the most my insecurity made itself known.  In the comfort of the place I now call home my dear motherlike friend once asked me if I felt a little cool in the house.  Sounds like a simple question I know, but not for this profoundly insecure person.  My mind raced with what I should say.  I did not want to be cold if she was warm or warm if she was cold.  In fear of giving the wrong answer I responded, "I'm whatever you need me to be.  I can be either."  Now what kind of answer is that?  I was afraid to give answers to the most basic questions in fear I might say the wrong thing, not to mention I didn't feel my opinion mattered.....because I didn't matter. 

The problem with this philosophy is that it is a lie straight from the pit of hell.  Satan wants nothing more than for me to honestly believe I am worthless to anyone, especially God.  For years he has been the front runner in this race with me....in fact he has probably lapped me several times.  The sexual abuse at the hands of my father told me that I was powerless and did not matter.  It told me I didn't have a voice or an opinion and my needs were not important.  It told me I was worthless, dirty, and unlovable.  It told me I was a disappointment to all who knew me.  It wasn't until I started to believe that God's word is far more powerful than the evil of the sexual abuse that I started to gain some ground on my enemy.  You see, God's word tells me I am a daughter of the king...redeemed from the hand of the enemy...delivered from the powers of darkness.....healed by His stripes...forgiven...fully loved and accepted and valued.  God's word tells me that the sexual abuse lies.

To this day insecurity is still my greatest challenge in day to day life.  I wish I could tell you I had this one beat and that it was far behind me now, but that isn't really the case.  I still get nervous around people and doubt myself often.  I still struggle with compliments and saying "I'm sorry" for no reason still seems to flow off my tongue with ease.  Insecurity is a constant battle for me, but each day I'm getting stronger.  I am not where I want to be, but I have gained a lot of ground over the enemy.  A year ago I would not have been able to say these words, but today I can say with assurance that I am worth fighting for, and so are you.

Oh how satan loves to see us struggle with insecurity and run laps around us in this race.  I have some really bad news for him though...I already know who wins.  No matter how far ahead satan may seem, the moment we proclaim Christ as our Savior, we are automatically proclaimed the winner! Game over...We WIN!