No more excuses...

If there is one thing my family has without fail always been successful at, it is at making excuses for my father.  I'll never forget the ending to some of my worst days growing up, they were always the same.  It did not matter what my father had said or done, my mother would come into my room to make sure that I knew that it was the alcohol saying and doing those things, not my dad.  What she was really trying to convey to me was that he could not be held responsible and to just let it go....and that's just what we did.  The next morning we would just pretend that nothing ever happened.  I learned to look past the bruises, the hand print markings on my arms, and any other physical sign that some trauma had occurred.  I learned to put on a fake smile...until the next time "alcohol" showed up.  It was a vicious cycle.

After I unveiled the long hidden secret of sexual abuse, the same song and dance of excuses were not far behind.  To this day my mom blames the alcohol for the abuse.  She asked me how I could hold him responsible for something the alcohol caused...that maybe he blacked out in a drunken state and didn't know what he was doing...or perhaps he thought I was her when he came to me for his sexual fulfillment.  I mean, who doesn't struggle to recognize the difference between your 44yr old wife and your 7yr old daughter?  Even worse, she justified the various levels of abuse I experienced, claiming that oral sex wasn't as bad as "true intercourse," as she calls it.  I'm glad that somehow offered my mother some comfort, but I was failing to find a sense of gratitude for the times my dad chose this route over another.  In fact, I dreaded and feared it far beyond what my mother calls "true intercourse." Amidst all of the excuses, I made myself believe that somehow I brought this on myself...that I somehow deserved it.  I thought maybe if I were a better child this wouldn't have happened.  When that did not ease the pain I tried minimizing the abuse I had sustained.  I tried to downplay it and say it wasn't that big of a deal. 

The problem with all the excuses was that they were all lies.  Until I was able to fully acknowledge the abuse for what it was...heinous, evil, disturbing, sick...I was not able to begin to truly process what had happened to me and start the healing process.  The truth is, there are no excuses.  It was not an accident and it was not 'just' oral sex or intercourse, it was rape.  It was a crime.  Alcohol did not come into my bedroom at night...my father did.  I'm not saying that perhaps alcohol did not affect my father's behavior at times, but alcohol does not make someone a pedophile.  There was nothing I did or didn't do that caused my father to abuse me and there is nothing that justifies my mother turning a blind eye to what was being done. 

Though I struggled tremendously, with the help of my closest supporters and counselor, I was able to verbalize aloud the vile crimes committed against me.  Acknowledging the abuse for the evil sin that it is does not mean you will dwell there forever, but you do need to camp out there for a time in order to process through all the garbage you are carrying with you.  Nothing makes sexual abuse okay...NOTHING.  If you have had an experience similar to mine and you are trying to justify it in your mind, let me be the first to tell you what happened to you was not okay and not your fault.   Let me also be the first to tell you how terribly sorry I am, you did not deserve such pain.  You can be assured that God is fighting on your behalf.  God does not ignore or minimize sin and promises to bring justice.  He loves us too much to let us hide behind excuses.  You can trust Him with the full weight of your pain.  I promise He will be there to help walk you through it...there is healing on the other side.