Angry Birds...

There is an iPhone application that was produced a little over a year ago that within months became an instant hit.  If you've not heard of it let me be the first to introduce you to the popular and addicting game..."Angry Birds."  The game is based on a story of some angry birds who are out to get revenge on the green pigs who stole their eggs from them.  The object of the game is to launch the various angry birds, each with their own unique destructive qualities, at the pilfering pigs in an effort to retaliate against them and ultimately take back what was stolen from them.  As silly as it sounds, over 12 million copies of the game have been purchased and versions have been created for all types of gaming systems.  I have to admit, I am one of the 12 million people who paid $0.99 to download this game on my phone.  The truth is, I think in many ways I can identify with these angry birds.  I wasn't angry at pigs who embezzle eggs, but rather those in my life responsible for the sexual abuse.  I wanted to get back my childhood that I was cheated of and regain the innocence that was stolen from me.

If you would have asked me several months ago if I were angry about the abuse I suffered, I would have looked you square in the eyes and said no.  I looked at anger in a negative connotation, associating it with the look in my father's eyes and the rage that came out of him after a night of binging on alcohol.  Anger was something I was terrified of.  When I thought about the things that were done to me as a child I felt many things...overwhelming sadness, hurt, abandoned, betrayed...but not anger.  Besides, growing up I was the quiet, obedient, peace keeper who was the family pleaser.  That was my role.  I was not allowed to be angry.  Instead, I stuffed any feelings of anger so deep inside of me that I often did not even recognize it's presence within me.  Unfortunately, turning my anger inward only led me deeper into the pits of depression and added to my feelings of self-hatred, shame, and guilt.

When I first opened up to my two closest supporters and counselor about the things I endured as a little girl, they first showed me love and comfort...and then they got angry.  I have to admit that though at first I was a little uncomfortable with their emotions of outrage, I also appreciated the anger they felt on my behalf.  You see, their anger was motivated out of the love they had for me.  Their anger was not directed at me, but at the evil that was done to me.  They expressed anger over a little child being taken advantage of and deeply hurt, which is a healthy response to such a repulsive act.

I'll never forget the first time I admitted to myself I was angry.  Sitting with my wonderful and patient counselor, the subconscious emotion finally made it's way to the surface and from my lips came the words, "I'm just so angry."  I'm not exactly sure what I thought would happen when I uttered those words, but what I did not expect was for my calm and composed counselor to throw her arms up in victory as those words flowed out of my mouth.  Her response says it all...I had finally spoken the truth that I was deeply hurt and that I was indeed angry about it.  I finally recognized my inner "angry bird."  This seemingly small realization was actually yet another victory in my healing journey.

Over time I have come to realize that being angry in and of itself is not a sin, but rather a God given emotion.  Our anger only turns into sin when we do not express it appropriately.  For me, my inappropriate method of expressing anger was to ignore it's existence and let it lead me down a destructive path of depression and self-hate.  For others, they are so controlled by anger that like the angry birds in the game, they simply blow up at and destroy anyone who gets in their way.  No matter how hard you try, if you do not deal with the anger that you feel inside, it will come seeping out in one way or another.

If you have not given yourself permission to be angry, let me be the first to encourage you that you have the right to be angry about the sins carried out against you.  It's okay for me to feel angry that my father took advantage of me to fulfill his own sick, sexual pleasures.  It's okay for me to feel angry that my own mother did not protect me and in fact enabled the sexual abuse to go on.  It's okay for me to express anger that the sexual abuse destroyed the person I could have been.  It is only by acknowledging and processing through the anger that we are able to lay it down at the feet of the one who alone can heal our broken hearts.  God hears us when we cry and He sees through the anger to our wounded hearts.  Though it is not up to us to seek revenge on those who have harmed us, be assured that God is also angry about the injustice over what happened to you.  He will one day bring justice as He sees fit and He promises to restore to us all that was stolen.  Until then, may you find the strength to release the deep hurts that are masked by anger, and allow the God of comfort to wrap you up in His loving arms as you do.