Learning the hard way...

If you look in the dictionary for the word trust, you will find several wonderful descriptions of the meaning behind this word.  One of the most beautiful definitions of trust that was used in my support group is "to place hope in someone or something; to expect confidently."  I had achieved expecting confidently alright...but what I was expecting was to be abandoned or turned on at any moment.  I didn't know how to place hope in someone, that core ability was shattered when my father decided to trade me in for an incestuous toy rather than the daughter God had entrusted him with.  In order to endure the perversity and betrayal that taught me that trust was an open door to violation...I simply learned to hide inside my own skin.

My chosen method of self protection grew me into a miserable and broken adult.  Constant fear had become my closest companion.  I had never truly taken off my mask in front of others because I was too afraid they would bolt as soon as they caught a glimpse of what was hiding beneath.  It is no doubt that God had a plan when he placed two of the most amazing women I know in my path.  They are the same two individuals I first shared my heart with and the two of them became my first test of learning to trust again...a test I unfortunately failed. 

The more I opened up and the more I shared of my past with my two friends, the more suspicious I became that they too would soon abandon me.  They said that they loved me and cared about me, but my mother said the same thing as she knowingly delivered me straight into the hands of a pedophile.   They showered me with praise and said they were there to help me, but my father also said nice things to me during our 'special' time together.  I was scared and confused...I didn't know how to trust even the most trustworthy of people.

Unlike my abusers, my treasured friends had proven themselves to be safe people.  More than simple words, their actions daily implied their unconditional love for me.  They constantly poured out love, support, and encouragement to me...but still I feared their rejection.  Overwhelmed by the pain being inflicted upon me by my family at the time, I lied to my cherished friends.  I didn't know how to put into words the suffering I was experiencing and the things I was being told by my family, specifically my father.  As the fear intensified and took control, I found myself lying to the very two people I most feared losing.  Why?  Because truthfully I didn't trust them not to jump ship and abandon me.  I didn't trust that they would understand how much pain I felt.  I didn't trust them enough to sit down and just share with them what was happening.  Instead, I tried to control my circumstances...another task I ultimately failed.

Let me be the first to tell you that there are always consequences that follow our actions.  As I confessed my deception to my friends I was left devastated, humiliated, and completely ashamed by my sin.  What is worse is that my unwise choices hurt the very people who loved me the most.  In the fear of losing them, I made a choice that gave them a reason to run....yet they didn't.  Instead, they offered me grace and forgiveness.  They loved me through my sin and through my repentance.  There is no doubt that I made a mistake and that my lack of trust led to a very painful fall.  The amazing part of the story is that as I lifted up my head from the depths of my shame and stood to my feet covered in bruises from my near fatal tumble, there stood my two loving friends....arms open wide awaiting to bandage my wounds.  They had not abandoned me or betrayed me as I expected.  Instead, they embraced me. 

Though I'm not proud of what I have shared with you today and I desperately wish I could take back my sin, it was through this momentary lapse of judgment that I learned a very valuable lesson.  It is possible to trust others.  My imperfection also taught me that I could trust the one who is absolutely perfect.  He will never turn His back on me or abandon me.  Regaining the God-given ability to trust is possible, but only when we cling to the one who is completely trustworthy.  He is safe, loving, kind, and comforting.  He offers grace and forgiveness that is unmatched.  You can place your hope in Him and confidently expect Him to love and care for you.  His arms are open wide...patiently awaiting our embrace.  Run to Him dear friends.  Run as fast as you can.