This past week has provided me the opportunity to look back and celebrate how far I have come on this healing journey, but it also opened up my eyes just a little bit wider to the reality that my biological family is severely broken. I spent a lot of time with my mother and sister this weekend and by the time I made it back home where I was emotionally safe, I was completely drained. Spending eight hours zipped up in my self protective suit constantly guarding my heart from any sneaky attacks left me exhausted and quite honestly, a bit sad...sad that I have to protect myself from those who I should be able to consider safe...sad that I have to be on such high alert with them that I dread our time together rather than find it enjoyable...sad that our relationship can go no further than surface level without the risk of additional pain...sad that the heart wrenching truth is my family does not even know me. Perhaps what breaks my heart most is that my family not only resents me for disclosing the truth and exposing my pain, they also judge me for it.
Recently my dear friend who has become like a mother to me (my "Mamsy" as I call her) and I started working through Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther. As we were going through one of the daily lessons we came to a paragraph filled with words that struck a tender cord in the depths of my soul. I was quite certain that Beth had followed me on my day long journey with my mother and sister and perhaps caught a small glimpse of why my heart was hurting during our time together. I want to quote for you the words that were written on the page that so resonated in my heart. Beth writes, "We've each been hurt by someone, but no one on earth has hurt us more than those who seem callous to it. We're acquainted with trying to deal with the wrongdoing of others while they go on with life, oblivious to our pain....The situation becomes even more complicated when you sense that the very person who helped your life to fall apart wonders why you can't get it together. There's nothing quite like someone who hurt you judging you for being hurt."
These words describe my family, particularly my parents, almost perfectly. Days after I confronted my father about the sexual abuse, I overheard him say to my mother, "is she still causing a problem," as if in a mere 72 hours I should have been able to get over the past 26 years of the pain I endured. I can so easily torment myself by replaying some of the words my mother has spoken to me through this journey, things like, "you need to forgive and forget," "don't dwell on the past," "it could have been worse," "you just need to be an overcomer," or the one statement that brings on a bout of nausea every time, "at least the oral sex wasn't as bad as the intercourse." I can so vividly remember the day I poured out my heart to my mother and let the pain and suffering spew out of me like an exploding soda can. After I processed through the shock that my mother was very much aware of my father's sickness, I watched as she locked eyes with the magnitude of my pain and then quietly turned and crawled into bed with the man she allowed to molest her little girl.
In the midst of the darkest part of my journey when the nightmares and flashbacks took control, I couldn't help but think the next day...I wonder if my father slept peacefully last night as I relived the horrific pain of him raping me. When I was soaking my hair and pillow in a pool of endless tears contemplating ending the constant torture, I wonder if my mother was having dinner with friends laughing and flaunting her material wealth. The only thing worse than them ignoring my pain was the constant condemnation for even feeling it. I don't want to sugar coat or minimize the sting that is felt when you are criticized by others for your pain, it leaves a deep and throbbing wound that takes a long time to heal....but it is not beyond repair. This weekend with my mother and sister was proof that although my biological family is unwilling to join me in the recovery process and the presence of their judgment looms in the air around me like a thick haze, I do not need their approval to get better.
My dear friends, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for hurting. The reason I was hurting is because I was deeply hurt... and the very people who judge me for it are the ones who caused it. You might not can stop them from judging your pain, but I hope you can come to the place where you recognize their judgment as a sign of their sickness, not yours. Most people who judge you for hurting do so because they cannot handle the truth and the pain that will come by acknowledging the ramifications of their actions is too great. Instead, they make you feel guilty for hurting. It's a viscous cycle and one that you don't deserve. What you do deserve is someone to love you through your pain...someone to walk alongside you and offer you a healing touch...someone you can trust to share with you in your suffering one memory at a time. Jesus sees your hurt and acknowledges your pain. He will NEVER judge you for hurting. Let Jesus be your family. Share with Him your hurt and feel the love and healing that comes from His nail scarred hands.
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