Forever changed...

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 is a day that forever changed the lives of the American people.  It was a day of tragedy.  A day of shock.  A day of heartache.  A day of courage.  Like many of you, I sat with tears in my eyes watching recaps of the catastrophic events that took place only 10 short years ago.  I listened to countless stories of both grief and heroism...fear and courage.  There was one particular man who captured my attention as he told of his story of survival.  He spoke of his initial realization of the magnitude of what had just happened and his determination to get out of the tower alive.  He told of the obstacles he faced and the endless heroic acts of others he witnessed as he made his way out of the north tower that day.  As he finally reached the ground level and safety was in his sight, the south tower suddenly began to crumble.  He recalls laying on the ground unable to see anything through the smoke and debris.  Crippled by fear, he made a decision to let go...to just lay there and die.  He realized that in the slim chance that he did actually make it to safety, his life would never be the same.  In that moment, surrounded by complete darkness, he lost his will to live.

 

I was captivated as I listened to this gentlemen relive his nightmare on the television screen in front of me.  Though my mind cannot conceive the unimaginable pain and fear this man experienced on the morning of 9/11, I could relate to so many of the feelings and emotions he described.  Like the man above, I started out determined...determined to unlock the vault within me where the deep, dirty secrets lived...determined to move on with my life and leave the past behind...determined to survive.  That determination was short lived as I realized the magnitude of the challenge I faced.  Soon after I found the courage to disclose the truth to my family, I started to understand that my life would never be the same.  In that moment, surrounded by complete darkness, I lost my will to live. 

A couple of months ago I was watching a repeat episode of Oprah.  This particular episode involved an interview with 4 pedophiles.  Oprah asked the men what effect they thought they had on their victims.  One of the men made this statement, "I killed the person she could have been."  I could not hold back the tears as the truth of these words sunk in.  So often in my recovery process I wondered what I would be like if this had not have happened to me.  I didn't know how to get beyond the sexual abuse or who I was apart from it.  I had lost my childhood...my family...my security...my identity.  I remember laying in my bed just weeping and praying God would take me home to Him.  I was so badly broken and I truly thought my life was ruined.  Like the man retelling his story from 9/11, I was ready to let go...to just lay down and die. 

Toward the end of the interview, I listened intently as the man talked about what kept him from giving in to imminent death.  In the pitch black that surrounded him, the faces of his wife and children were crystal clear.  Battered, bruised, and barely able to breath, this courageous man put one foot in front of the other until he made his way to safety.  By the grace of God he survived the most horrific attack on this nation we have ever seen.  There is no doubt that the events of that day had a tremendous impact on his life from that day forward, and indeed my life is not the same as it was before the day my father designated me as the object of his sexual pleasures.  As I was surrounded by the evil and darkness that accompanies sexual abuse, the nail scared hands of a healing God were crystal clear.  Battered, bruised, and overwhelmed with sadness, God gave me the courage to put one foot in front of the other until I was able to make my way into the safety of His loving embrace.

You see, the things my father did to me may have killed the person I could have been...but they didn't kill the person God created me to be.  In fact, what satan thought would for sure destroy me, God is using to instead restore me.   As I have walked through this journey of healing, I have experienced God's unconditional love...His immeasurable grace...His unfathomable forgiveness...and His infinite mercy.  I'm not sure what my life would look like or who I would be today had I not been sexually abused as a child, but what I do know is that through this pain and suffering I have come to know my God in a much deeper and personal way.  No life I could have had compares to truly knowing the Almighty God.  His plans for us far surpass what we could ever think or imagine.  He has a purpose for your life...one that even sexual abuse cannot ruin.