Forgiving when it hurts...

On the same day that I found the courage to tell my mother about the perverse evil I endured by my father, she almost immediately began delivering sermons to me about forgiveness.   If I cried or exhibited any outward signs of sadness, she warned me against dwelling and self-pity and urged me to forgive.  She contributed any expression of hurt or anger on my part to a bitter and unforgiving heart, advising me instead to simply forgive and forget.   She repeatedly informed me that as a Christian it was my spiritual duty to forgive.  Call me crazy, but I don't believe that God expected me to close my eyes, snap my fingers, and determine to never again think about or acknowledge the wicked acts my father carried out against me as a child.  I only wish it were that easy. 

 

Forgiveness is a process, not a one time instantaneous act.  Take it from me, you are not doing yourself any favors if you try to forgive before you are ready.  There is not a schedule or timeline you have to follow, nor is God putting an x mark on his calender for every day that goes by that you don't forgive.  As much as I wish it could be avoided, before you truly are capable of forgiving, you have to go through the pain and heartache of processing the sin that was committed against you.  As my wonderful counselor once told me, the measure to which you forgive is directly related to the measure in which you acknowledge the abuse for the evil that it was.  In other words, until you experience and admit to the full weight of the sadness, grief, betrayal, anger, resentment, or anything else you are feeling, only then can you fully forgive.  Don't let anyone condemn you for not forgiving fast enough or try to spiritually manipulate you into rushing into forgiveness as a "duty" rather than a heartfelt decision.    

 

Just the other day I was talking to my mother and we got into a conversation about my father and I's relationship...or rather the lack there of.  My mother to this day blames our not having a relationship on me being angry and unforgiving.  What my mother doesn't understand is that my forgiveness actually has nothing to do with my father.  Of course I wish with all my heart that my father would take responsibility for his actions and say to me he is sorry, but my forgiveness is not based on him being sorry.  Of course there are times when I still grieve the loss of an earthly father, but much to my mother's dismay, forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation.  I can forgive my father with or without having a relationship with him. He refuses to acknowledge the truth and I refuse to ignore sin, defeating any chance of reconciliation...but that doesn't mean I'm exempt from having to forgive.

Forgiving my father for the sexual crimes, harsh words, and disgusting acts I was forced to endure at his hands is for me.  Forgiving my mother for not protecting me from known danger as a child and the present condemnation and judgement is for me.  The act of forgiveness is for me, not them.  Unforgiveness does not hurt the ones who are responsible for my pain, it only further damages me.  Forgiveness does not mean that the sexual abuse was any less of a crime or caused me any less pain, and it definitley does not mean that what my father did to me was excusable.  It is through forgiveness that we are able to let go of the heavy weight of the offense we have been carrying along with us for so long.  When we forgive, the abuse loses its power over us.  For my own healing and recovery, I choose to forgive.  In fact, with each new day I have to choose again and again to make a conscious decision to forgive those who have wronged me.  With every memory, every nightmare, every condemning word...I have to make a choice. 

For those of you who feel your abusers do not deserve to be forgiven, you are right, they don't....but neither do I.  I'm so thankful that when God sacrificed His beloved son, I was completely absolved from the judgement I truly deserve.  Christ's blood covers my sins...and it covers my father's sins too.  As heinous as sexual abuse is in the eyes of the Lord, it is not beyond God's ability to forgive.  God's grace and forgiveness is unfathomable, and His love for His children is unmatched.  He will help you to also forgive your abusers.  You may not be ready to forgive at this moment and that is okay.  My prayer is that as you experience God's forgiveness in your own life and understand it's true meaning, you will desire to forgive your abusers just as you have been forgiven.  It will change your life.

I want to end with the words from a sexual abuse survivor named Nicole Bromley.  She is about my age and has a story that is not much unlike my own.  When I read these words she wrote about the ultimate comfort she received from God, and the forgiveness bestowed to her stepfather who molested her, I cannot hold back the tears.  Speaking of a vision God gave her she writes, "I saw the Lord and my stepdad standing next to each other.  The Lord was on the right; my stepdad was on the left.  Vince (stepdad) wouldn't look at the Lord, but the Lord was looking directly at him.  I could sense that He was very angry about what my stepfather had done to me.  Then I saw the Lord turn around.  Now His back was to my stepdad, and He was facing me.  Vince was behind the Lord and couldn't see me, and I felt safe because the Lord was directly between us.  As the Lord and I looked at each other, I saw Him begin to cry.  Soon He was sobbing because of how His precious, innocent child had been abused.  He was hurting because I was hurting.  He fell to His knees.  I ran into His arms, and He held me as we cried together.  And then I saw that behind us my stepdad was also kneeling.  He was repenting, tugging on the hem of the Lord's robe, crying out for mercy and forgiveness for everything he had done.  Then I saw the Lord forgive my stepfather.  And just as quickly as He forgave, He turned back to comfort me." What a beautiful description of a loving and forgiving God.